My twelve year old nephew is visiting me for the holidays. He is a great kid, but his adolescent behavior has caused a certain amount of anxiety in the lives of the adults who love him. The adults in his life try to guide him in making good decisions. He doesn’t see the long- term consequences of some of his actions. He can’t see the whole picture yet. He desperately wants to be treated like an adult but doesn’t know how to act like one. It’s an awkward age. It’s a hard age.

I recall being twelve years old: The end of the Vietnam War, wearing M.I.A. and P.O.W. bracelets, Watergate, IRA bombings, Patty Hearst, Queen, Bad Company, Led Zeppelin, and Joni’s “Court and Spark.” Cher divorced Sonny. My mom divorced my dad. My brothers and I became members of the new latch key kids. I quickly packed with the other kids of divorced parents to become part of the cool kids. The 7^th Grade: my first cigarette, the first time I got drunk, my first kiss—all at twelve.

I hug my nephew and tell him with empathy that I feel his pain when he describes his version of twelve. He tells me that kids beat him up at school. He doesn’t understand why people won’t just leave him alone. We talk of available options: either talk to or ignore this kid who pushes his head into poles, kicks him in the gut and chokes him to near unconsciousness. We go on the internet and look up sites that have suggestions of how to deal with bullies by using your words. He tells me through tears that this is what all the adults say; he has tried them all and none of them work. After his heart-wrenching melt down, I show him hesitantly how to throw a punch and a side kick. Afterwards, we watch “A Christmas Story” and cheer for Ralphie.

Does predatory meanness escalate around the age of twelve? Is it hormones? Is it acting out how one is treated at home? Is it in the culture or the primal behavior of our species? I grimly recall getting picked on when I was his age. Twelve is so young but doesn’t want to be young. Twelve is searching for identity; it’s acting bigger than one feels. Twelve overcompensates for something not yet found. The average twelve year old yearns for more independence but doesn’t know of or want the responsibility that comes with it.

What was George Bush like when he was twelve? Was he a bully? What about Donald Rumsfeld? Dick Cheney? Condoleeza Rice? John Bolton? Karl Rove? We would learn a lot about our leaders by knowing how they started puberty. In a truly democratic society would we vote for the bullies or the bullied? (The dorky artist drawing in the corner gets my vote.) Each of these politicians dismisses alternative viewpoints. They don’t pay attention to detail. They think they know better than the experts. They lie if it helps them get their way, and they act in ways they know they shouldn’t but do anyway. They lie when they get caught. They bully.

 

Bully: v. to hurt, frighten, or tyrannize over; to browbeat.

 

        In their article Adolescent Bullying, Angela Huebner, Assistant Professor and Extension Specialist of Human Development, and Erin Morgan, a Research Associate on Human Development, write “Bullying is a way to dominate another person through behavior. It is usually defined as ongoing physical or verbal harassment between…people that have an imbalance of power.” Huebner and Morgan add later that “researchers have found two types of adolescents involved in bullying. The first are bullies, or those who victimize others. The second are victims, or those who are the targets of such behavior. In some cases, bullies become victims and vice versa.”

 

In demonstrating the bully, the authors have come up with this list:

 

Compared to Non-Bullying Teens, Bullies tend to:

•    Have difficulty accepting criticism

•   Think too highly of themselves

•    Have the need to be the center of attention

•    Be more likely to drink alcohol and use drugs excessively

•    Be at greater risk of being victimized themselves (about 50% of bullies are also victims at some point)

•    Be at higher risk for mental health problems such as conduct disorder and attention deficit-hyperactivity disorder

•    Be more likely to be antisocial in adulthood

•   Be more likely to use violence in relationships

•   Be more likely to get in trouble with the law

 

After comparing the aforementioned political leaders to adolescent bullies, I believe the American people still would have voted them into office. The people who voted for these guys are also on the school yard. It is not hard to recall the “with us or against us” crap. Fox News comes to mind, too, with the pounding on proverbial chests. And, all those bumper stickers: “These Colors Don’t Run,” “Don’t f*ck with USA.” “Love It Or Leave It.” These are statements and actions of Americans who don’t want the responsibility of sharing a planet with others, who don’t want to share their country with alternative viewpoints. Lefties were threatened right up to the last election, and Cheney made speeches saying that if Democrats were elected our country would be attacked. I heard a radio talk show host call for left-leaning Americans to be put in camps because they were dangerous to national security. Popular rants of hatred against gay marriage, Muslims, atheists, and democrats—bullies are all over the playground!

        It will be an interesting year as the new congress takes shape. I don’t trust any of the bullies on the congressional lawn and certainly not the lawn of the White House. I truly want to admire Nancy Pelosi’s optimism for the non-partisan daisy-laden meadow she talks of creating. She either believes in the peaceful resolution ideal or has been successfully bullied into submission. I battle with my own feelings of conviction for not wanting to be dragged down to the bully level. I want to believe that we can evolve past this era. Yet sometimes, when all the talking is finished, and the bully is still kicking the shit out of you or giggling at your stupidity from behind the lockers and plotting to pounce on you when you are not looking, the only thing that works is a side kick and a hard, quick punch in the gut.