Fall 2006
I hate Hostel's; there, I
said it. When you're 20ish and first seeing the world, fine. You hear
strange languages, smell strange smells, have crushes on Palestinian
young men, and learn that Lichtenstein is actually a country, not
a stamp. Though I've never met anyone from Lichtenstein.
Now, at 40ish, Hostel's feel overcrowded, dirty, and somewhat demoralizing. I am embarrassed I can't afford anything better and annoyed that I am stepping in a cold puddle of water left by the 30 other shower takers that didn't bother to remove their dreadlocks from the drain.
I am
humiliated to be here.
It's always weird traveling alone as a woman,
but, then, when you are over 30 you start to get the raised eyebrows.
“She’s not married yet, traveling alone, riding her bike around, and
talking to those 20 somethings about Snoop Dogg." She's pretty enough,
How pitiful.
Well, I happen to like Snoop D before the
double G, and otherwise I’d be sitting alone.
Then there's
the whole fear of wearing something purple. Who was that asshole
who wrote that liberated, feminist manifesto, “when I am old, I shall
wear purple..." Geeezzz. That stupid poem has haunted me since
16. Am I the purple woman age?? I don't think so, I feel 25. But dare
I admit my REAL age; there goes the raised eyebrows again. Because
of my terror of purple, I’ve never bought a lavender stitch, until
this year. Now I find myself uncontrollably drawn to lavender, Royal
purple, sage and dusky rose! Fuck. Ok, ok. So the color of the
season is Aubergine, but what will my excuse be next year?
The fucking
Hostel room is painted purple for god's sake.
I am here to tell
you I'm not one of those women who go “natural” and have 25 cats.
Actually, that is more likely my sister who is up to 4 or 5 cats,
but she has a boyfriend, so it doesn't count. Why should I care
what people think??
I am vain, and I do care.
But the cool
thing is I am 40; I’m fucking dragging my tight ass around New Zealand
on my bike, ALONE, freezing, but looking cute in cycling skirts designed
by moi. I'm trying my best to figure things out and seeing some beautiful
scenery in the mean time.
Why did I ever leave
Please, I only date
cowboys, rockstars, and ex-junkies, not corporate dorks.
I thought
he was a stuck up English prick who needed an enema, and he thought
I was a star-spangled lesbian. Boy, I’m glad we were wrong!
I finally
found a kindred spirit—-the other square pea to nestle in on the two-seater
square peapod bus. The two of us wound each other up, and I have never
laughed so much in my life. We had adventure galore, and I've never
been happier or loved anyone like this.
But, my friend's don't see
it that way, and no one could have prepared me for the heartbreak.
They say, "Without trust what do you have?" I want to roast him alive
for what he's done. I see their point but could never light that fire
on someone I love so much, so I grabbed my bleeding heart and ran.
It's the loneliest moment to arrive some new and foreign place and
finally realize you have left everything behind: your job, your home,
your friends, your comfort, security, and love. All you got is you,
your bike, and a little motivation to see what’s over the next hill,
because you can't stand out in the freezing rain all day and cry.
So, honestly, I don't really know why I’m here. My job prospects have
fallen through, and NZ is way too expensive for me. Plus, I don't
think I need a Jack Kerouac moment right now, just aimlessly trying
to find myself. I know who I am; I just don't know where I’m going
right now. I need a job and focus and my friends.
So, we'll
see.
I hope you are all enjoying my travel stories and the
history behind them. I don't know if traveling like this is for everyone,
least of all me, but I have a restless heart and must still see what's
over the next hill.
I love you all and am thinking of you,
Tonja
